no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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