That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
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