i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
I have a very important question for you: what are some good rules to have if we want to turn the nfl draft into a drinking game?
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Randomize
