I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
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I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
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Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
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