my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
Randomize
