she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
just went to my meeting with last nights make up still on, not wearing a bra, and the 14 shot tallies still on my wrist.. My advisor's questions should be answered as to why I'm not in my major yet.
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Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
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Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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