Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
I just want nice things and good sex
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
Randomize
