Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
Randomize
