pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
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you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
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My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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