I wish my penis had an off switch
Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
Randomize
