Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
Randomize
