I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
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you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
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LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
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