yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
