he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Randomize
