I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
