Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
Randomize
