i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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