I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
