Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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