I think I won the penis lottery.
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
My ATM looks so different sober.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
