Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
So all semester this guy and girl have been talking, and today is the last class and we are doing nothing. I would have skipped but I want to see if he seals the deal or pusses out. It's like a season finale.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Randomize
