last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
If I sleep with another Spanish guy it is officially renamed my senor year.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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