I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
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