Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
Randomize
