Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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