You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
Randomize
