i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
Randomize
