you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
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