Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
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