I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
