I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
