I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
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