i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
Why do all fat girls have "that smell"?
Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher