Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
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He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
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My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day