upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
