I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
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