if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
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