so I found out that he is the older brother of a friend of mine from high school
awkward
no it got awkward about 40mins later when he invited me to stay the night...with him and his girlfriend.
why does hillary duff have a greatest hits album?
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
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