Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
I know I may be showing my age by saying this but this is the first time I have been eaten out in the parking lot behind the Clairmont Inn since 1990
Randomize
