that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
i just threw up repeatedly on the entire entire walk down A1A to the pizza place....then on the way back slipped and fell in it
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
Your shirt... Was in my pants
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
