if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
I am never drinking with the goths again.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
