saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
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