talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.