Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
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You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
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Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening