you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
