You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
