Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
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