If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
Randomize
