She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
No. You are not the Kate in this relationship. I will do what I want.
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
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he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
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My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
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