He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
