Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
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