I wish I could teleport
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
