the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
Randomize
