I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
scale of 1-10 how well do I give head
5, but i have never had a 10. best was an 8 so if i grade you on a curve you are a 7. ish.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
