Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
Yep Great. Apparently I didn't just say things once that night. Drink. Yell. Repeat.
U also mentioned u werent wearing any underwear hahahaha
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
Randomize
