I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
