saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
We're watching a video in class about cheese. The scoring for it sounds like that of a Lifetime movie. My mind is creative. I've continued my own story in my head of a wheel of cheese that was raped and murdered. It's so sad. I hope they get the guy. Btw, the video is about marketing.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
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