who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
Terrible. Enormous nipples with a small ring of boob on the outside. It looked like a tittie eclipse
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
i was drinking at the bar last night with a guy with no bottom teeth, wearing zubas and a polka dotted hat. if that isn't the definition of wisconsin, i dont know what is
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
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