Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
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