I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
Randomize
